May 21/13 Cold Thunderstormy Day & Thunderstormy Thoughts

I did alot of thinking about alot of stuff last night while lying in bed waiting for sleep to overtake me. I tossed and turned but I guess I drifted off eventually. I awoke early and got up and wolfed down a banana (my usual breakfast) and took off on my scooter. The clouds were dark and eerie looking. The air was cold and sprinkling with drops of rain but I had to head downtown to the bank and get some groceries. I made it home before the heavy rains started but I did get a little wet. My mind is jumping all over as to what to do about my friendship. Part of me says stay away but part of me also screams at me to stick with it. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm so wishy washy about the whole thing. I have left it in the hands of my friend. I'm not expecting to hear from her for awhile since she is nurse/maiding her husband for the next week or so. So I'll just wait for now. The sun just popped out and it's nice to see. I'll just continue playing solitaire for now as there is nothing much for me to do...Will I hear from her tonight or will I not. Fuck I wish I had some friends I could talk with about this but there are none. Fucking story of my life. Maybe it's the bad weather making me uncomfortable or my anxiousnous about the pending trip home. As happy as I am about going home, the actual trip there and staying with some friends scares me somewhat....I am such a ball of nerves right now and I'm kind of scared...I'm really wanting to smoke because of my nerves but am fighting if right now for sure...I don't know...I so don't know.....I got a brief msg from kris but it only made me ask her for some clarification of some stuff. She hasn't answered any of my questions nor has she friended me on FB. I know she's super busy but I thought she would at least answer my questions. She says she's trying to be honest with herself and others but she's not really being honest with me by not answering my stuff. So to say the least I'm confused and wanting some answers but I just don't think she either has the time or the desire to answer any of them...shit....I'll see if she responds to me sometime later tonight....who knows, certainly not me.....