May l4/13 Feeling a Depression is coming...Scarey

In light of what's transpired over the last few days I don't think I'm being too successful in handling things. I'm feeling at a loss and don't quite know how to stop itl. I realize I've entered into a kind of grieving state as I know that I've lost my good friendl. I'm both very happy for her but also I am grieving all that I know I've lost. Nothing will ever be the same for me wrt her. I've been going to her new girlfriends site and looking at pictures and am allowing myself to feel things that I told Kris that I would not. Really I'm scared and I know only to well that I could never ever talk about this with kris now as I know that is over between us. I so so want for her to tell me that I am the one she desires and that I am the one that makes her feel alive and wanted and needed. At one time it was this way but oh God for just a short brief time then it was gone but I always had hope the we could find it again but reality is at times such a harsh pill to swallow isn't it. I don't know how this friendship will survive but we both have endured so much and have experienced so much individual pains only to make it through until the next big issue rears it's ugly head. I just don't know if I have many issues left in me wrt Kris. The worst part being that should I say anything to Kris she'll say what she's always sad...she'll be sad but she won't stand in the way and step out of my life....That is also very hard to deal with when she does that. She never fights for our friendship. She doesn't acknowledge llljust what she has meant to me over the coarse of the past year. She doesn't understand or realize just how alone I will be and how sad I know I'll be regardless of what she tries to tell mel....I'm scared of this stage of my lifell...so fucking scared I'll faill..l.the tears running down lmy cheeks are like rivers overflowing the banksl...the sobs are tearing my heart open so wide....I'm so sad this beautiful Saturday night, so deeply deeply sad....