Mayl 13/13 Coping OK - Or at least I thought I was

I have got patches to start the long process of stopping smoking again. I'm not quite ready yet but my plan is to stop on thursday or friday. I an scheduled to see my councellor tomorrow afternoon and expect it to be a difficult session. My day was going very well today until I decided to do something I knew I should not do. I looked at my american friends FB page. I looked at the last few entries and started to cry. I have not cried about this since Friday when I said my goodbyes. Why I did this knowing that I would be affected. I was feeling strong and that I had some sense of control over the situation. I am so wrong about this. I have no control. Just reading how much fun whe had at her sons baseball game and how he did kind of grabbed my heart strings but when I read the comment from her girlfriend I lost it. I cryed for not being able to be enjoy the happy moments with her. I called my daugter to help me get over this stupid stupid mistake. I can't do this. I have to accept that I can't do this. I have to be strong. This is where my daugter comes into this. She has told me that if I need backbone outside of myself that she is there to help me. I ignored what I'd set up because its like it was when I struggled with my drinking issues years ago. Believing that I could expect different results from doing it but the results never ever change. It's an addicts way of thinking and yes she is and addiction for me...I'm angry with myself because I did something I know I can't ever do again. Keep strong deana, follow your own rules that you've set out for yourself. You can do this and need to do this. Accept that there is absolutely no other way to do this. You managed to get rid of alot more stuff found within you computer today even though it was shocking to you to find so much more stuff....can't wait for my daughter to call me when she gets home from work. I'm OK but just need some reasurances from her before I can face the rest of the evening...Have faith deana, you can do this...I know you can......