June 3/13 Moving On is Where I'm Headed

This, deana, is your last blog that will be about kris, my American friend. I need to change my direction and purpose before I will return to this format. It can no longer and will no longer be an 'ode' to her as it so became. This is and will be the last time I talk about her. I will use this particular post to be my reminder to never again do this. She has been part of my journey but I want to move on. I'm ready, or at least I'm working on, to move on now.....so I'll be back sometime soon. I just don't know when that will be as there are some issues to take care of. You know what, I had been pondering my life and my American friend's part in it over the last last 4 or 5 days. Seriously pondering this. No wishful thinking or wants/needs. Just real old fashioned clarity and honesty within myself. I also watched a very inspirational service on Sunday from SLC of Toronto. I experienced many wowing moments throughout this service that really had me thinking and looking very closely at what I needed to do. Just for me and not for or because of anyone else. What I finally really really really accepted and understood without any doubt once and for all was I no longer want Chris in my life or at least not until much later and if and only if she makes any effort to reach me. Friendship is and should be a mutual two way thing. My involvement with her over this past year was, once, for a very short time a blessed and gratitude filled association. The last 6 months however have been a living hell for me. I finally now know so sincerely and so deeply that as much as she has claimed that she lives from truth, and I'm sure she believes this to be within her own being to be so, I on the other hand have been hurt and very hurt, further damaged and suffered many and very deep depressions because of how I was treated. Stupid and self destructive as I can be, which she knew right from the beginning of this journey between us never, never fucking once was she able to apologize to me for the pain she caused. From the moment she said she loved me I, for the first time in my life, opened my heart, my soul, my being to her. I was able to feel what it felt like to feel love from another women, I was for the first time in my life able to trust. To trust so completely,to feel pleasure and affect physical reactions in her as deeply as her experiencing orgasm just with my words alone. I was in awe of this whole journey of fantasy between both of us, together, to feel all that I felt and to be told how she was being affected l felt. POWERFUL for both of us. She guided me and helped me to love myself like never before. But, shit, she took this away from me in one evenings discussion and the trust I felt was no longer there. It was shattered. She had gone through a similar experience herself but she was never ever told in any form that she was loved by this person. The other lady had her own issues and ran. Ran far away for a very long long time. Kris is bisexual in that she completely and thouroughly enjoys the sexual act with both men and now with women. However, she has chosen to persue a lesbian physical & emotional relationship because the intimacy and communication, both verbal and physical,is so different and needed in this type of connectionl. For me, I still don't know who I am other than the fact that I know that I have always been totally repulsed with the male anatomy. I love men, I love my ex husband. But I couldn't participate in any sexual activities unless I was very drunk. I never felt anything but pain and disgust and anger. However, none of that is pertinent to this journey. What is pertinent is my feelings, of which I have already stated above. So why all this verbage? My need to record my feelings and thoughts in a such a way that I can read and remind myself what went on, what things I did that caused this failure, what I felt was done to me and to have a vehicle to learn from and grow from and to see clearly that she did teach me such tremendous things BUT that within that process she also so deeply and profoundly hurt and scarred me. She fed fuel into my feelings of abandonment which my councillor is helping me to understand. This is me talking to me, no one else. My inner self working with my outer self to learn and understand myself. She may or may not see this as she use to read all my blogs. If she does maybe she might understand or not understand. If she does read this I hope she might learn something. I hope, within her very rigid ways doesn't hurt someone else that has abandonment issues which I know that many who surround her do. I mentioned to her once that she attracts people like this and maybe she may have these issues within herself as well. I just hope no one else is hurt as I have been hurt. I am learning from this and anyone who might read my words can learn about them selves. I hope they can find peace the way I am. I am good. Real good. I don't miss Kris and am slowly allowing my inner mind and thoughts to go where they may and not dwell on the thoughts. I feel healthier every day and in time I'll move on to other journeys and learn what the Universe wants me to learn and be open to whatever crosses my path. I will continue on the Spiritual Journey that Kris led me to and not question why things happen the way they happen and look for the lessons that are meant for me to find and learn from. Well, I feel that I've done what I set out to do here. Just keep reminding yourself deana that you are ok. You, deana, are a loveable loving being and never lose site of this fact. Keep on our journey of living and learning. Keep on our journey of self discovery and self awareness. We have so much to learn and grow deana. This journey, although long and tedious at times, will guide me to peace and harmony within. BELIEVE in us deana. God knows you so much better than you do and you will be led, if you let yourself, to where the Universe wants you be. The journey will never end deana but will also lead to enlightment and harmony. I love you deana and won't abandon you in this search. Thank you Kris for the good you've taught me but I'm ready to move on ........