July 11/13 An Awesome day today !!!

I have been very blessed today and I know it and am very grateful for it. I Did a lot of talking with those so important in and to my life these days. As old reactions to what I allowed myself think and feel ended what was a most wonderfully incredible day yesterday. I will try to capture the salient points so that I have this to re-read and fall back to should I do this again. As I was told by my very dear and patient friend it took me almost 50 some years to develop these behaviours they can not and will not be changed in a few short years or when I want them to change no matter how hard I try or want them too change. I have to be patient and keep myself moving forward and if I want any chance of not only success but true happiness I have to really fully understand this and apply all the many things I have learned, often painfully at this stage of my life. As I stewed more and more from not hearing back to the many requests of my friend to contact me so I could tell her all about the awesome experience I had with my CSL visitor. I was on this most incredible natural high and wanted to share my excitement with the only person who would not only fully understand why but would also be able to continue the kind of discussion with me that I so needed to have. There is no one else close to me that 'gets' it and encourage me about it all. The later it got the more upset I got and the more upset I became the more the old msg's in my head started to take over me. The only way that I can describe what happens is like having an Angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other both having a fight to the death to win control of me. When this happens it's always been the Devil winning which takes me to saying and doing things that I always regret because it's that age old 'push-pull' scenario that I've talked about before. I had to get out of my apartment so I ripped off my patch and headed straight to the store. Fuck everyone, I WANTED MORE CIGARETTES and I didn't care what it would do to me or my friends and family. So off I went hoping upon hope that I would hear from her. Well I didn't and I knew that she would be at her girlfriends do whatever girlfriends do and I wasn't letting reason creep in on me that that was OK. What was making madder and madder and deeper into the 'poor me, victim mode' was that she knew how excited I was about my day and still didn't take the minute or two it would take to say 'hey deana, I know this means so much to you and I do want to talk all about it with you but I'm with my girlfriends, yes were back together working things out but I will contact you tomorrow so we can talk about your experiences'. To me, that's all I probably needed to hearl from her. I wouldn't have liked it very much but I could accept that and move on with my night knowing that today we would talk. My abandonment issues really reared their ugly vicious fangs and I was off and running. Or if she had sent a brief msg before she got to her girlfriends say why she was heading there to work on their issues, again I would have been able to handle it. None of this was done so I talked myself deeper into the bad place I'd let myself fall into. So what did I do. I sent her msg after angrier msg taking away any, most of really, responsibility off my shoulders and putting it all on hers, I was flippant and arrogant, I used words of blame that I had absolutely no right to use and part of me knew it but all of me ignored any of the reality of it. I shut down my computer and headed to bed. Sleep would not come to me because I knew in my heart of hearts that I was wrong and petty and unfair to her. I got up a few hours later and logged back on still unsettled. She did respond when she got home even though she was so very exhausted from a very busy and long workday and deep discussions and whatever with her girlfriend. She acknowledged my day and apologized for not trying to contact me then mentioned something I had asked to mention should we find ourselves in the 'push-pull' scenario again. That was the key word I needed to hear. I did not think about what I would say. I just wrote back totally from my heart. I acknowledged what had happen was almost so totally my fault. I acknowleged that l was hurt, upset and resorted to old behavious and that I really hated myself for doing that. I thanked her for her honesty with me and acknowleged and would respect her life. She said, although she was again going to be busy both during the day and the- evening she would try to reach  me if she could. I accepted that because she told me briefly what today was looking like for her. Yesterday, I had no clue as to what she was doing or how busy she would be before she decided to spend the evening with her girlfriend. Anyway, this morning she sent me a msg saying she could talk if I phoned her which I did. There was not any real animosity between us and we worked through all this issues of yesterday. She really took the time to hear about my wildly incredible day yesterday and we talk for a long time about it. Actually, we talked a lot about a lot of things surrounding spirituality, meditations, family, her ongoing painful home situation, and even her and her girlfriend and where they are at and what she represents for my friend. I put it as I am the 2-dimentional good friend who knows everything about her life and her girlfriend is her very important 3-dimentional lover and friend who is there for her, who loves her and a talk openly and freely with her and hug her and support her and wipe away her tears and  make her feel physically and emotionally safe. These were all feelings that I so wanted to provide her some time ago but could not and would never ever be able to. I can never exclude any of my feelings because they are a part of me and my connection with her. I will always love her just never ever in the way that I had wanted to. I sometimes feel pangs of hurt but nothing like I once did, And will never allow myself to ever again. However I did get the courage to ask her something that I have been wanting to ask her for a while now. I finally put words to some thoughts and she immediately responded in favour. I asked to to think that may once all is said and done with her marriage and she is living her life with Jack if she might consider me someday to plan a trip to her state and visit a short while. To actually meet the 3-dimentional friend in person and share a little bit of her life with her lesbian friends and some of all the things she gets to do there that I can only dream about. SHE SAID DEFINITELY YES THAT WOULD BE NICE LL!!! Maybe something to think about over the next year and plan out. I would sure love that. She lives in a City with an incredible gay community and activities that I would love to witness some day. An by God I will make this happen sometime somehow. So people who might read this...a totally awesome day came out of a totally self centred upsetting night....gawd, what little or big miracles might happen tomorrow....I certainly am looking forward to another new day....I am grateful for the friendships and for the lessons that are being shown to me and to my daughter for being there for me when I needed to vent both last night (sorrowfully) and again today (excitedly). I am grateful for the beautiful sunny land not too humid day here....I have so much to be grateful for....the blessings I have been reciving have be bountiful and powerful. I am so in my happy place....thank you Univese for standing all around mel !!!