Today I learned with Namaste means. The reverend at the church I like to listen to was always starting with saying this at the start and end of every service. I did not know what it meant or why he was saying it. After a little searching on the web I now know and I love it very much. My church is the Centre for Spiritual Living (CSLToronto) and I became aware of them through a very spiritual friend of mine. I love what these people believe in and stand for. This church as they call it is is very integral to my own journey into my own spirituality. I will forever begin and end any conversation or written work with this salutation because I believe so deeply in its meaning for me and anyone else who is trying to lead a spiritual life.
I really searched the internet this evening on the subject of masturbation and self gratification. I found some things but really nothing that I already didn't know about. However, this area of my life has always been lacking in for me if not downright horrible and non pleasurable as I've always believed it should. I am not asking why this is so but rather just trying so hard to find a way to see if I could achieve this for myself. For years I've wanted to reach out to a qualified sex therapist but could never afford to do so. I let it go for long, often very long, periods of time but this past year I discovered through the gentle handling of a friend who let me ask many and varied questions and never made me to feel juvenile or ignorant of what I did not know about. I had achieved near completion via a very descriptive fantasy life for a period of blissful time and actually and I believed very successfully achieved this nirvana once, by myself, in the quietness of my own bed by my own hands. No vibrators, no gels, no creams. Just the ministrations of my own hands and mind sinking up in a way that I had never ever been able to do before. Unfortunately I've never been able to since either. I just know that because of this friend and her gentle teaching ways was I able to do something I had never ever had been able to do before. Only once in my history had I believed that I had come so close before. My marriage night I was losing control blissfully and very loudly to only be shut down and quieted by my new husband. He was embarrassed with my loudness and uncharacteristic behaviour but that certainly did not deter him from reaching orgasm and the promply falling asleep to leave me alone to my frustrations and embarrassments. So, what do I do with this. Not too much but keep trying I guess but I can tell you that my frustration level is nearly crushing me and wearing me down bit by bit.....BLAH BLAH BLAH.....I say for lack of anything else to say. SIT SHIT SHIT. There are many things I want to talk to my councellor about tomorrow but this is something I'm going to have o swallow my pride and embarrassment for. Maybe, just maybe she might have some idea of what I should or need to do....I so want to figure out why these things are such a hard part of my existence....wish me luck....until tomorrow then......
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