Aug.5/13 Not feeling as lost as I was l

Another day and it's beautiful out there today. Heard from my friend and she thinks she might have time to chat a bit tomorrow so I replied say OK. Pretty lame answer I know. A couple of hours later I sent a msg saying Don't bother, she's too busy. Again lame but I didn't know what else to say. Often I make a sudden decision and fire off my thoughts before thinking of the consequenses. I know she won't read the msg  as she's too busy so I really don't know how this will evolve. I think it's more that I'm afraid of talking about this. I wanted and needed to talk a few days ago and old feelings just kept invading my consciousness such as feeling abandoned, feeling not important enough to a friend that I cherish. These feelings I get are scary for me and I know I have to learn more and act more to help get me out of these feelings, not let them control me. I have been working very hard on trying to change this behaviour but for some reason, whatever the reason, I know I have to work much harder on this. I know if I continue on this destructive path I will lose her friendship. I'm know that I'm pushing to see if she'll actually leave our friendship and I really know this deeply. I HAVE TO STOP THIS DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR. I also  that I love her and probably always will but this will never ever be reciprocated. So, deana, stop! Just STOP and live the life that you have right here, right now on this day right this minute. Keep your faith in the Universe knowing what's best fore for me and stop fighting it. I WILL SURVIVE this and I will pray to the Devine to help me with this seemingly never ending challenge.

On a much happier note my Oldest daughter finally made it to Toronto this morning after several hours of delays and problems. She is in Toronto rushing to get her luggage, meet up with her friend who's also flying with her, race to the other end of the huge Airport to catch their flight to Calgary all within 20 minutes. I hope they make it. She's to msg me once she's on the plane. If hope she makes it.Just heard that they made it to the gate but gate had just closed so they managed, thank goodness, to get the next flight and only have to wait till 12pm. Poor kids it's been a horrible day so far, at least for my Daughter. It's now 7:30pm so she's most likely well on her way to Banff by now or at least I hope so. I hope to get a msg tonight or tomorrow from her.

My brother turned 57 today so went over to his place for a nice burger. I can only cope with my sister-in-law for short periods so before dinner I dropped in on an older gay couple down the street. It was so nice to chat with them as I don't see them very often. They are both Grandmothers from earlier marriages. Super nice people. Back to my brothers and ate but left right afterwards and scooted on home where I feel safe and secure and don't have to make small talk with my parents or sister-in-law. I love my brother though and love his sense of humour. He's always making me laugh.

 Not much else is happening tonight other than hoping from a call from my wonderful friend in Ottawa. She's just back from Costa Rica and has promised to tell me all about the Rain Forests she and her daughter, Emily, experienced.

I'm grateful for the beautiful day and sharing a bit with my brother on his birthday. I'm really grateful to have taken the time to drop in on my friends as well. I look forward to tomorrow and see what the Universe has in store for me. Good night, take care and keep on smiling deana