Sept.05/13 Another Day stuck at home

It's ben a beautiful day here but a little on the cool side and has turned into a gorgeous evening. I hope tomorrow is nice as I am volunteering up at the Hospital after lunch which I am looking forward to. I have spent way to much time alone this week with nothing to do and that puts me into a risky area emotionally. Tonight I'm feeling these affects because I'm letting myself get upset about some stuff that is totally out of my control. Kris has not had time to finish the movie I requested a few days ago. I have told her that I need to talk to her about it and something else that is very important for me to convey to her. I'm loosing my nerve and am feeling somewhat embarrassed about it. I want to ask her if she would consider making love with me when I get the chance to visit her sometime in the next year. I need for her to understand that I'm not asking this because I'm in love with her, which I'm not but because I love her as a confident and friend and I know it will never occur for me in this lifetime. I have too many issues and disabilities. I have too many fears such as not being able to perform as I'd like to or even be able to achieve what I so desparately want to achieve. A true orgasm and also be able to create an orgasm in another. What we've so openly talked about, everything under the sun, and expecially about our sexual experiences and sexuality. I firmly believe if anyone can help me achieve these life long wants and needs, she is the only one I trust enough, trust with my life, I also want to experience passion. That also is something that has eluded me as well. I know she is a very pationate person and believe she could also share her passions with mine that are screaming to set free. I can't ask her this outright but actually thought I could earlier in the week. I know now that I have to convey this to her somehow, someway. This is the way to do it I believe. I know the risk I'm taking here and am terrified that she shut this possibility outright or even laugh at me. But if I keep this locked away within myself I'll regret it for a very long time. I have to do this. I have to be totally honest with myself as well with her. Our friendship has been built on total honesty and I want that to continue even at the risk of losing the most important friendship I've ever experience in my life. I know it's different for her as she has so many wonderful friends and even sort of has her girlfriend. I know she values our friendship very much but because she has a vital active healthy life and of course I don't that this puts stress on both of us and  manifests in different ways for both as well. So, I'm going to send this to her now before I become a coward and hide it once and for all.....