Sept.21/13 Is It jealousy or Anger or Self Pity driving me so Relentlessly

I've been sinking the last 3 days and I don't like it and feel lost because I can't seem to want to even pull myself out of it. Since I've stopped smoking and am reading more about BPD I'm feeling really sorry for myself. I'm feeling incredible jealously toward Kris and her life. She is so busy and has love at her fingertips, so many friends both gay and straight. She's moved into a beautifully very large home has her young son every other week. And God knows so many other creature comforts. I'm here living on a very strict, limited budget, no friends, kids living hundreds of miles away with very busy lives of there own. I am just feeling so god damned lonely and unloved. I've been crying on and off since yesterday and just want to curl up and go to sleep and really not bother waking up to just keep facing this emptiness inside of me. This rawness is NOT feeling good. It hurts so much. Shit. I hurt real bad. At this point not even my spirit is strong enough to sway me to get out of my own way today. Maybe tomorrow. I hope tomorrow it does. But Tomorrow will be just another day of aloneness within these walls which feel like being in prison. I'm scared of these emotions that are so rageing out of control and I know it is the BPD that causes me to sway so far one way, not normal but what the hell is normal anyway. It has to be better than this way. This way is killing me and definitely not very gently.

Kris talked with me for a long time and allowed my tears and sobs to flow. As always she calmed me but as soon as we hung up I began to cry again. I'm so struggling with wanting to buy a pack of smokes but am still fighting off the urge. I'll ride out the next couple of hours and see where I'm led.

I'm not feeling very grateful right now but I know my graditude towards Kris and her loving friendship and acceptance of me is bountiful and complete. I am grateful for her understanding of me and all my many flaws. As I told her I so very much want to find another sole that I can trust like I do her somewhere sometime. But I'm so very scared that I won't and that frightens me more than anything else in this sometimes cruel life that we all are trying so hard to live in