Weekends are difficult and yesterday was one of my worst in a very long time. The day started out very good with watching a very soulful service from CSL Toronto. It reached into me and my soul very much. After that I headed over to mom and dad's to take them a couple of treats. Stayed there for a very short time then headed back home before it rained. As the afternoon progressed my mood started to swing toward the darker side. By late afternoon I Skyped with Kris, and my anger began to rise toward her. I expressed some things that affected her badly. My anger toward her again was surrounding her and her girlfriend. My trust in Kris had eroded because I felt she was doing things that she said she would not due. I was getting angrier and more hurt as we talked. I began to cry and sob and went totally into myself and all that was going on within my head. Of course she had to leave to go spend time with her son and the Skype call began to fail so the last couple of minutes the Video and Audio began to fail. I was left in a very bad state of mind. I tore the patch from my arm. Went to store and bought cigarettes, came home but the tears just got worse all the way there and back. By the time I made if home my grip on my reality had sunk so very low that suicidal thoughts were becoming more and more prevalent. Called 911 for help. Ambulance and Police arrived and I got even more emotionally upset due to police. All my neighbors watched this occurance. I was so ashamed. Went to hospital and had to wait for many hours before a Doctor saw me. He convinced me to stay there for the night. Then things really got scary for me. I was locked in the room, could not go for butts, was put on a lock up, could not call anyone and would have to stay locked up until a Psychiatrist assessed me the next day. Everything the ER Doc told me was not true. They would not let me leave and threatened to call Security to intervene. I lost it. I tried to tell nurses that what this doctor told me and what was happening to me were drastically different. Told them I would NOT see a Psychiatrist ever due to very bad experiences in my past. Finally I got the ER Doctor back in my locked room with a nurse and very clearly said That what was going on was wrong. I was calm and precise with my words that He was wrong with what he had done to me. He had lied to me. That I would never have agreed to stay there for the night if I had been told what would happen. I was angry but very lucid with my grievances. Finally, he accepted that he was wrong to do this too me. He is a new doctor to this hospital and was very busy that night. They called me a cab and I left. I contacted Kris. Told her what had happened to me and again began to cry uncontrollably. Told her I could not visit her this spring. There is so much more I want to tell her and have requested a face to face Skype tonight. She will be available after 10pm my time. I don't know what I'll say but maybe it might have to be a goodbye. All of my rock bottom crisis issues this past year have totally been around my need to have her in my life. I can't put words to this right now but have over and over and over again put so many words and time and wants and needs towards her being involved in my life. She knows this too. She is such a double edged sword to me. I can't lose her but I can't live with all my emotions toward her. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid. I'm so sad and I'm so angry with myself to keep letting this happen to me, to her.
My therapist will call me sometime this afternoon after 3pm to discuss what's been happening. I'm hoping she might find an hour to see me this week but I don't think she will. I do have an appointment to see her next Monday so will see her then if nothing else is available.
I've talked with Kelsey and we may Skype tonight sometime. Told Quin I've been having some difficulties but am OK. Want to talk with Tobie sometime as well. Hopefully later again this evening
Talked with Margo my therapist. She did not know the details of last night and suggested that I put in a complaint to the hospital. I'm wishy washy on this but she said that maybe something positive could come from expressing what happened to me for others that find themselves in this type of situation. She has a cancellation so can see me this Thursday but will also keep my appointment already scheduled for Monday next in case I need it. That is really very encouraging to me.
I am very grateful to Margo for finding the time to not only talk to me this afternoon but being able to see me Thursday and keep my appointment open Monday should I need it. I am grateful for Kelsey being in my life and supporting me through all the bad times I keep having. I'm grateful for the very beautiful Autumn Day of sun and relative warmth. Today I am very grateful to be alive and have hope within my Soul for a life ahead of me and to be able to see thru and past the depressions that just come and go in my life. I am grateful for Charlotte as she took time out from her very busy day to Skype and talk with me about everything that's been happening. I love this friend so very much to have found her again and have her in my life. So much to be grateful for. I am truly blessed even though I sometimes loose site of this, Of course I am also grateful for Kris, will always be grateful to her even if I have to end our friendship. This is what I want to discuss with her tonight with calmness and clarity and honesty. I hope I can do this and need the Universes help and guidance to stay true to my wishes and needs
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