Sept.24/13 Life Is So Difficult When Actions Must be enacted When You Don't Want To do it !!!

         KRIS: for what it's worth I do HOPE and PRAY that u read this and understand. I
                    will always love u Kris, always ......

I'm hurting, I'm crying deeply at the mention of the person that I've spent the last year and a half getting to know and love. Last night I had to do something I've tried and tried to do many times but just couldn't see it through. This time I know I have to see it through because if I don't I could reach to my depths and try to die. Of course anyone who has followed me over the last year knows well the struggles I had with her in my life. Yesterday was spent in deep thought about our past ups and downs and I knew I had to make my break. I composed the following list to ensure I covered everything I had to express. We skyped for over an hour and a half late into the night last night. I made her sit quietly with no distractions around her to HEAR my words and not just listen to what I was reading. I don't think she totally expected it to happen last night but she knew it would come eventually. She listened without interruption until I was finished. I wanted to do this without tears and although painfully hard I did manage to do this. I did cry when we began to discuss this together. I asked her to be honest and tell me what was in her heart, her truth, her reaction to what was happening. There were disagreements on each ones perceptions of what the truth really was and is but we both agreed I needed to do this. My life was in danger if we continued communicating. Everyone of my family and friends had been trying to get me to end this but I would not listen, could not listen. I was and still am terrified of losing her in my life. But I also finally realize I can't keep crawling back hoping for her to love m. There are just way too many obstacles to ever allow this to be. She was feeling very guit ridden and responsible for some of my actions. It took me a long time to convince her that yes I got very pissed off with and at her but she was not responsible for what was happening. It was anhas always been me. Totally me causing me all my grief and pain. Wanting what I could never have. Only one time in our entire friendship was she to blame. That was a long time ago when she told me she did love me and fantasized with me only to break that off suddenly and so totally completely. I dided a thousand deaths when that happened but I also know why it happened. I was so excited and happy that I told everyone and anyone who would listen to me. Yes at that time she did feel love but nothing compared to what I felt nor would she ever be able to love me the way I wanted and needed her to be. But that was then and this is now. So it is what it is and I must get my life together and grow without any more distractions from her. It did send her an email this morning telling her that someday and I don't know when but I will ask her back into my life but only if and when I know that I have the life I need find within myself and am happy and content with where I am. I do hope it comes to pass but not for a very long time from this day.

These are the points I needed to express. I've put them here to be a constant reminder to me should I begin to feel weak and want to contact her. I've failed at all other attempts to separate myself from her very strong hold on my emotions and must MUST not fail again. I can't fail but I also know that I've so often failed at carrying through  convictions I've made in my past just about on everything I've wanted to change and needed to change for my health both emotionally and mentally.


1. I need you and your friendship

2. Your friendship is killing me bit by painful bit

3. I want so bad to experience the act of love to u and from u

4. I been hurt by your boundary of not being able to trust me to friend me on FB

5. I am ashamed that I can not separate myself from jealously, hurt, anger towards Debbie

6. I am very afraid of losing you but am also afraid of staying in your life

7. I take everything so literally that I allow myself to believe everything I'm told to be true and can't seem to be able to distinquish that what I'm told sometimes can't be true or held up for scrutiny

8. I'm still waiting for the CDs you've promised and can't reconcile that it's been so many months since I asked. I also can't deal with u not sending me the sex toy even though I know how far away it is from U. To me a half hour drive is nothing and was done daily for so many years.

9 Again, I'm litteral and if I say I'll do something I have always made it a priority to get it done. I know it's not u, but it is me

10. I very much want to meet u in person but know it can not happen by me going to visit you. I'd love u to visit me here, away from you, your friends, your girlfriend. Just us meeting and seeing if we could actually like each others company without other outside influences. I know that you will never come here even if I asked u too. You have airmiles, you have the finances or will have someday, u don't have physical disabilities. It would be easier for u to fly, get through customs, make your flight or whatever. But I know this will never ever happen. That's why I wanted to go there.

I know what I should do but I don't want to do it. I don't want to lose the best friend I've ever known. The person that has taught me so much more than I could ever have imagined. That is so beautiful in spirit and phsical beauty and beautiful you are to me, skinny, little gorgious breasts, tall, with an incredible smile.

I wouldn't trade getting to know u for anything Kris but I'm at the same time wishing we had never met. What I did not know then I would not miss now

YES SOMETIMES LIFE IS A BITCH TO BE IN. I WANT SO MUCH MORE FROM THE ONES I LOVE BUT CAN'T HAVE. I CRY, I ACHE, I WANT, I NEED, I HOPE, I PRAY, I'M SO GOD DAMNED IMPATIENT, I NEED INSTANT GRATIFICATIONS. IT'S ALWAY ME, I FIRST AND I HAVE TO LET THAT GO. I HAVE TO EXCISE IT OUT OF MY BEING AND ALL THIS I KNOW I NEED TO DO IF I EVER HAVE THE HOPE OF ATTAINING A LIFE OF PEACE AND HARMONY, LOVE AND PURE JOY. I HAVE TO FIND THE WAY WITHIN MY HEART AND SOUL. GRASP IT, BELIEVE IT, THINK IT AND LIVE IT. I HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!