Oct.03/13

Up 6:15am after a good nights sleep. I am feeling refreshed and in good spirits and looking forward to my session with Margo this afternoon. I just puttered around doing odds and ends to pass the morning then had a nap until lunch time. Headed up to the hospital about 1:15 and got there early with Margo being delayed for about 20 minutes.

Session was upbeat and very good at first. Margo led me into areas that were very deep. I began to talk about my fears of someday not being able to cope and heading into that very dark tunnel of suicide. I expressed that there are still things that I have deep within me that I have not totally talked about. My fears of maintaining how far I've come after I stop seeing her. We talked about how long it looks like it might be before I get into the group therapy for BPD and she said it could be up to a year as there are at least 50 people waiting before me. This bit of news or clarification of what I'm looking at time wise really affected me and for the first time in a very long time I began tearing up as I was leaving. I told Margo that this scares me and if there is any way that I could talk with someone, of course preferably her, maybe once a month during this very long wait time. I want to see this through to the end but am terrified that old behaviours will creep in and slowly take over. I am pretty sure that this will not happen but based on my years and years of behaviours, although safely behind me at this time, will begin to rear up and take control without at least some kind of connection to the person that has brought me, at times kicking and screaming, to this wonderful place of self awareness and total openness like never before. I see Margo in about 3 weeks from now and at that session I will discuss this further with her.

Hopefully will get a chance to Skype with my Oldest later on this evening as we tentatively arranged this earlier this morning.....