Up very early again. This seems to be a trend for me now. I can live with this as I really didn't like getting up at 10 or 11am anyway. I like being busy and I do have plenty of time for naps anyways. I'm off to volunteer at the hospital after lunch and even remembered to call and book a pickup with the Disability Bus this morning at 7:30am. I don't think I'll get out on my Scooter this weekend but one never knows. I hope I do but will just have keep my faith and maybe I will.
I went to work but had a lot of pain in my body today. This damp weather is so difficult on my body and it is very to keep moving around. Most of my joints are aching and lower legs are sore as is my back. I'm facing another weekend of extreme loneliness here in the apartment and I know my mind will be wondering all over the place with nothing much to do. I'm of course quite nervous about having too much time with no one to talk to/with. I am so missing my best friend even though I know I have never been her best friend but that doesn't make me feel much better. I would just love to chat about what's going on with her life and tell her about mine. I can't help feeling this way but damn it I do and I won't apologize for this nor do I feel that I have to. However, I do understand why I have to keep my distance and understand so clearly that I have to do this for my own well being. I do know that I am no way near being ready to back off my own restrictions because there is just way too many issues I need to come to terms with and safely excise them from my existence. I just really hope that this will eventually come to be someday. I just can't imagine the loss of such a caring, loving, spiritual, kind wonderful person from my existence. I just so wish that I had never allowed this to become the seriously toxic friendship that I let it become. I just so wish that I was a stronger person with more faith in myself. I can only continue on this journey I've been on and keep asking the Universe to help guide me towards the person that I want and need to become someday. To find and hold onto the peace within my soul to continue to live in love from my Heart, gratitude and to give to others that I want to be there fore. For right now I just have to get through the next few days before I have another volunteer session Monday morning.
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