Late last evening I began to feel a dark cloud was beginning to try to take control of me. I'm fighting it. I think I realize why but don't want to face the 'why's'. Old behaviours are toying with me but at least I'm realizing what's happening. I need to stay strong and push through it. But I also know I have to talk with someone and disclose to her exactly what I'm thinking and feeling to release this darkening cloud before it takes me further down to places I don't want to go. I know I'm feeling lonely and that is the first in a series of feelings that need to be taken away from my conscious thoughts. Again, old behaviours trying to resurface. I'm also needing to feel someone cares for me in a deeper way. Also another sign that needs to be excised and quickly. I'm going to try and meditate today. I know I must somehow get back to meditating but I've also been fighting doing that as well. Hopefully next week the CD's from Kris will arrive as she told me last night they were in the mail finally. I'm going to try today and see what happens and where it might take me.
Just did a guided meditation and I chose the one that really helped me let good flow in and through me. Afterwards I'm feeling calmer and relaxed and even managed to put and feel a smile upon my face and being. I know my appetite for more is getting stronger and I will attempt another meditation this evening before I talk with Kris. I need and want a calmness to begin to once again to flow with peace.
The thing I want to tell Kris is I want her to take me on a journey of fantasy. I don't want her to be in the journey or even feel what she would say. I know she would not. I want it for me. I want to feel. I want to feel like I'm with a woman in this fantasy. I want to feel that I'm being touched, being loved. I want to feel emotional connection. I want to feel sensual and sexy. I want to somehow hear this while masterbating. I want to feel the building tensions within. Oh God help me with this wanting. I'm asking for your guidance through these feelings and desires. Please help me to find a way through it all. I am weak and needy and sad. Oh God within me I need your strength and guidance.
I know all these feelings must be stemming from all the love I felt when having my girls here with me last weekend. I felt such closeness with them and feeling love as their Mom for them being here. After they had gone from my presence I began feeling such loss the loneliness began to take hold very slowly. This then led me to feelings of loneliness for something more and deep sadness for feelings not fulfilled. I don't want these feelings because they are too painful to feel for me. They get so overpoweringly sad. It's such a sick and cruel way to be but alas here again I'm in this rut and it's so hard to climb out of
I went downtown via scooter and did some things which needed to be done. I went into the Business Improvement Agency to enquire as to how to get my bulletins posted in their locked Kiosks around town. Since I'm not a business I went to the owner of the Bleeding Carrot to ask if he might submit them to be posted. He was most obliging to this request so will take some down tomorrow to him and will post in other places I know that cater to the LGBT Community. Once this is done then I'll wait and see what happens next week. Yahoo, almost completed what I set out to do!! I did some groceries and picked up Disability Bus tickets so am good for a while now. It was good to get fresh air for a while and get my mind off my troubling thoughts. I don't know if Kris will be available to listen to me but I'm hoping that she can find some time. I want this put behind me and I know this is the only way to approach it and excise it....
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