Well I've done it yet again. FUCK I know how this happens and why but I just keep doing it over and over and over. I try to control everything around me. I've fucked up my friendship with Kris by letting my bad and mean spirited ways and old behaviours take over. I begged her to Fantasize with me again. I cryed buckets which I did not want to do. I so totally screw up the things that I love and cherish because of my self centred and selfish ways. Loneliness and difficulty to love without wanting more screws me up so badly that I push the ones closest to me into wanting to not have anything to do with me. I create such a vicious circle when this happens. I don't like doing this, hate it in fact but again and again I keep doing this. I asked kris for something I knew I shouldn't. I knew it would bother her greatly but I did and it blew into something unhealthy for us both. I cried and cried, cried horribly and painfully. I don't want to cry because it makes me feel out of control, I'm ashamed of myself and being such a baby about it. But I can't help it. When words are not working for me and I'm feeling crushed and out of control the start to flow. I suppose that this is just another form of trying to get what I want and to regain control of an unbearable situation that I'm losing. I do feel better this morning now that I understand what I did yesterday with a little more clarity. I just don't know how much damaged I've caused for my friendship. It she's smart she would end this now and give up on me for her own sanity. I know I can't and don't want to lose this but just how many times can she keep taking my abuse and my bullying ways. I'm very scared this time. I'm also going to try very hard not to post stuff on her FB page or not try to contact her either. I'll try to wait for her to reach out to me if she wants to .
I went downtown and spread a few bulletins around the downtown area. I want to put more around but my scooter battery was dangerously low so had to come home to get it recharged. It will most likely rain later so may attempt it on Saterday. I'll just play it by ear and see what happens. I have to totally redo them as they were way to small to catch they eyes of the intendant audience an need some more Giant Words to draw people closer read them. So once again I'll retype and repost around town on Saturday. The people I had asked to help me with design and wording did not get back to me. Oh well, I'll keep trying and will eventually be happy with what I get out there.
Glen came over for a few seconds as he needed my signature on some papers for the Bank. At least it was something. Showed Him most recent pictures of the Kids and he really liked them. Also told him I was really struggling after the Kids left and with very extreme loneliness. He figured I might be but quite understand how extremely I feel between high happiness and crushing loneliness. It has always been such extremes for me. Told him I am really trying hard to balance myself out but have caused some pain in others with these extremes. I will see him sometime next week hopefully.
Tomorrow I volunteer at the hospital so hope I will be able to take my scooter if it isn't forecasted for rain.
I'm not expecting to hear from Kris tonigjt but that doesn't stop me from wanting to hear from her. I am praying to the Devine to help me ensure I don't contact her. She needs a good break from me and I really want to respect and honour that. I REALLY do !!!
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