I sort of know why, if I'm totally honest here, I do know why. It is this truth with myself that that scares me so much. They scare me because I need more than I should and push and push them to such extreme limits that I eventually lose this cherished thing in my life and eventually lose the one thing that ld beI want and value and need. It's sick. I'm sick. I hurt every time I cause this to happen. I still hurt from friendships I lost so long ago. I know I'm working very hard to change myself but it's not happening as I've envisioned it shou. I've been crying for a long time today. I hate my life today, I hate this loneliness. I hate my fucking life and how it's turned out. I hate having to try so hard to be like everyone else, I know my family loves me and I love them. They have to deal with me even though I know at times they want breaks from my oppressive prescence in their busy and growing lives. I can't seem to pull it together and act as I should with others that come across my journey. I am a very weak, self centered woman. I know this and I make other people feel guilty when I do this. Never is it my intention to do these horrible things. NEVER! But I do. My emotional range can and is so fucking out of control that at times I just want it to end. To be done with it all. I know I won't but that doesn't stop my oppressive feelings from overwhelming me. I manage to get through whatever perceived crisis is happening but it doesn't stop me when in the core of them when they do happen. And they happen at the drop of a hat. I've learned how to get through it but when in it it's so fucking hard to ride through it, ride through the tears, the hatred of what I do, what I feel. So fucking hard, so fucking black hole stuff. Today I hate my live and everything I do. I hate that I haven't been able to find someone to love and love me back. To touch me, hold me, kiss me, I want love and passion but never had it. I want to love someone and give passion but have never been able to give it. I love my wants and needs for spirituality but having no one close to share it with in person, with someone in person is just yet again just another thing that takes me down very deep and hard. There are plans that I try to make happen for me to feel and for a brief moment in time be normal but can't because of my finances and my illnesses. Time after time I reach outside of myself to make these dreams happen only to crash around me. I have reasons to continueally feel less than I should. I know that my life has value to me and others but by continueally having to shut down these things that mean so much to me makes me feel what is it all worth. Or when wonderful things do happen the extreme lows I reach when it's over are so god damned hard that I sink into depressions so low that all the shit comes up again and again and again. What is going to happen with my continued life. That is what scares me the deepest. I don't know how long I will be able to keep trying and trying as I know I should. This is what scared me so bloody much and so frequently. I just don't know how much more of these fears and feelings I will be able to endure. I JUST DON'T KNOW ... I know there are many errors in spelling and composition in this talk with myself but I have to post it right now. I don't want to erase it. I need it to be just as it is right now, right this minute. I will come back to it later today and report to myself what more happens with me but I need this to show to Margo next week but more importantly to show me where I've got to today and all of what I'm feeling today.
My mom called and I sounded so down to her she said she called and wanted to come visit me. I told her my apartment smelled of smoke but she could hear pain in my voice so asked me what was happening with me. I started to cry saying that I'm having a very bad day. She said she would call a cab and come over right away. I really began crying again but had got myself under better control by the time she got hear. We talked, I hugged, she hugged me back. I asked her to read my blog of yesterday and todays so far. I know her generation doesn't really understand this but she willingly read everything I asked to read. I think she understands me and my needs to openly share with her. It's a little easier for her lately. I have alsway so share so much of what goes on in my mind in ways that she sometimes feels weird about but she is trying so hard to help me and keeps saying or asking what she needs to do to help me. I think I finally got to understand that I'm only asking her to read where my mind is or the black holes I find myself in. I am asking for nothing more, not to feel that I want or need anything from her. I want her to know that I am doing all that I can to help myself. I only want or need her hear what is happening with me. Nothing more than to just hug me when I'm sad so I know that she will be ok with some of the things I say or do. Never have I ever wanted to hurt her or dad or glen but they have in the past been very hurt by me. I don't want this to happen anymore but that I have to do as much as I possible can to help myself and feel proud of myself when I am able to do for myself just like anyone else. I will ask for their help if I just can't find any way to help myself. We talked about my feelings of sucide and feelings of hating my life. She asked me some very poignant questions about moving home and we talked alot about a lot of things calmly and without emotion which was really good for me and I think good for her as well. There are no answers right now for anything but at least we are talking. We both understand so clearly that I have been and continue to be a vcry different kind of cat from anyone else in the family or any others they hav known. This I've struggled with all my life and do know it is so. Very hard on them and others to deal with so often. I'm calm right now and the tears seem to have stopped flowing for right now anyways. Maybe more are still to come, maybe not. I just so want to be good, do good and live from my heart and soul with as much peace as possible in an often turbulent, emotional existence. I know this is a choice, a choice I have to make and at times really feel I'm doing really well. But other times I feel I'm failing, I'm worthless, I'm a bully and that is the total and complete failure that I have trouble dealing with. I'm so terrified of dying alone without love, without totally and completely accepting who I am and leaving all this shit behind me. I live in terror almost all of my conscious existence. I AM SCARED !!!
After losing my grip on my emotions again a little while ago and crying so out of control again I curled up on my chair hugging my pillow and sobbed, pressing to my face to dampen the sounds because I could not stand the sounds and gasps for breath any longer. I must have exhausted my self so much that I fell into a fitful sleep of vague disjointed dreams, mostly circling around sadness and not waking up. Now that I'm fully awake again the urge to keep writing has gripped me. I have no one to talk to. I've reached out but everyone is busy and hasn't reached back. I know if I get through this night of deep pain I have to keep putting thoughts and feelings to paper. This is my only comfort right now hopping that someone, anyone might read this. I haven't reread anything, just writing. It is my only company as fake and stupid as that is. I don't care about mistakes, I don't care about anything right now, I don't care even about my safety at this precise moment in time. I had shut down my computer before I broke down because this very fake and unreal life I live caught up in the clutches of virtuality is killing me slowly and so painfully.
I am sick of my illnesses. I am sick of living on so many medications. I am sick of eating when I'm not hungary. I am sick of my live revolving around doctors, blood requisitions, drugs. I am sick of feeling helpless in a world of wanting to be normal. I am not normal. I am a sick fucked up person. I am fucked up. I'm sick of being needy. I'm sick of my mind wanting things that I can't have. I'm sick of making plans and not being able to fulfil those plans. I'm sick of taking steps forward only to have hopes and dreams near but not near enough to fulfil. I fucking sick of living with this disease called Depression. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of this life and all of it's never ending disappointments. I'm sick of making people feel guilty. I AM SICK OF LIVING THIS LIFE. I'm even sick of wanting to die and knowing that I'm too week to actually die. So where does that put me today, this very minute. I really honestly don't know where it puts me. I'm sick of being selfish and self-centred. I'm sick of being a bully to people I love and care about. I'm tired right now, so tired of life, my life. I'm tired of moving 2 steps forward followed by a step backwards. Yes I do make progress and do feel happy when that happens but when I fall back into the abyss of the blackness It is getting harder and harder, longer and longer to pull out of it. I'm tired. I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT ALL. To many years of this is and has worn me down. To many people have been worn down because of me. To many people have left my life because of me and my actions. I'M TIRED AND WORN O UT. last nights fiasco with Kris was just the tip of such a bigger thing. If it didn't happen last night everyone knows that something else would happen, eventually. Last night so totally happened because the written words could not convey the feelings I wanted to convey. I could get a simple answer to a simpler question that I thought I needed. I couldn't leave well enough alone and just log off. I had to get the goddamned answer I was looking for, needing Which triggered me to do the things I did. Say the things I did. Cause the hurt I did to both of us. I AM TIRED. SO FUCKING TIRED OF MY LIFE AND HOW IT HAS ALL TURNED OUT. I'm sure others feel this way when caught in the throws of depression. I know it's not just me. I know that after depressions lift that there is hope. I've been there so many time. But I"M TIRED OF THE CONSTANT FIGHT. I'm tired of living my life and dreaming of another or anothers life. FUCK SHIT GOD DAMNIT all of it. I just hate all of it
I've slowly, methodically started eliminating so cyber pages that are of no hurt to anyone else like 'Planting the seeds of Love' the help me ensure that I don't say things that I'll regret or hurt others when I do say things that I know will hurt someone. I'm keeping to my promise of not cutting off Kris's friendship on Facebook because she had agreed to re-friend me only if I promised not to defriend again as I so often had before during my fit's of rage and perceived hurts. However, I am finding it a little weird that she has disconnected me from accessing her via Skype even though we finally agreed this morning that I would not make any attempt to contact her and would wait for her to contact me if and when she feels ready to. I guess she is just sick and worried that with this very low period I'm going thru I'll again try to reach out to her. Valid fears of course but I really thought we had finally resolved something significant this morning. But I can only guess that she just doesn't trust me again. When we actually do talk, and only via Skype, we will discuss her backing away from me and my destructive, depressive ways. I will accept that as I'll have to but we both know that I have not been able to do this for many varied reasons. I know I'll hurt and hurt badly. I know that is what I should do but I just can't. Part of me keeps believing that I need her and that she needs me in each of
our lives. But I keep causing pain and know that certainly what I do best. \I know I've pushed her to far this time yet again. I know that I suck at what most people just take for granted. Healthy wonderful friendships. I just can't do this successfully. I just keep fucking up real bad. I just can't correct this behaviour once and for all even though I so very much want to. I just keep fucking everything of real importance up.
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