Awoke shortly after 6am so got up to face a very long boring day. As I posted on my FB page I'm so glad the last i- finally Fucking over with all the ups and downs behind me. My New Year's resolution is to stay focused, stay in the moment as each new day comes and learn through my Therapy Group how to learn and live a more balanced emotional life. I am working toward living more happy. I am not sure how or what things will present themselves today. What I know for sure is I'll watch a lot of garbage TV, scan FB for anything interesting and rock away in my Lazy-Boy chair and wait for the rest of Hungover family and friends to come to life.
I did connect with Carm this morning. I made her talk honestly without fear of retribution. She told it like it is and did not say it lightly but honestly and directly. I pushed her away because of my intensity and bullying ways. I went from newly formed friend to being a very demanding, obnoxious freak in just a few months time. I went from this nice friend to one wanting a relationship and intimacey and to asking to having a sexual encounter with her. Fuck I've done this to other potential friends and have lost all friendships except Kris and I kept it up with Kris but she would not give up on staying my friend even though she had many reasons and opportunities to do so. I've done such damage to what could have been a wonderful friendship. I even in one upsetting msg told her to Fuck-Off then the next day tried to back paddle and apologized over and over. I've been there, done that so god damned many times in the past and have cried and cried so many tears of shame, fear, anxiety and self loathing. It is always the same path I choose. The destructiveness of this so horrifies and terrifies me BUT I JUST KEEP FUCKING DOING IT. I have no excuses nor reasons other than I'm trying to change with the Group Therapy and all but I KEEP DOING IT. I'm not suicidal this time just very very sad in my heart and soul. This alone time over Christmas into the new year has been difficult. Way to much time in my head with nothing to do. All I feel like now is a total failure and freak. I just can't see away through this even though I want to fix all the shit I do and find the continued happiness that I want. FUCK FUCK FUCK
It's only 5:30pm and I'm totally awash in tears and shakes. I'm not feeling suicida but I'm hurting with such deep emotional pain. Talked a bit more with Carm as I had sent her this blog insert for her to read if she wanted to. She must have as she had some more questions for me which I answered. She said weather permitting she would come over tomorrow morning to try and help me with my latest computer problems I have. I told her I didn't want her to come if she was afraid of me or if she thought I was making her come here if the actual problem was silly or I could fix on my own. So nothing set up and and don't expect to her to actually show up. Said goodbye and she said to have a good night. I immediately began crying because I won't have her to talk with later. Nor anyone to talk with later. I'm so alone and feeling sorry for myself but I know I'll calm down eventually in a bit but It's the right now feelings that I'm struggling with. I'm just so fucking lonely. Deeply deeply lonely and nowhere to go to stop these feeling for at least a little bit by distracting myself.
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