Up at 6am with nothing but time until I head out to Volunteer this afternoon. I have determined not to try and contact Kris until maybe next weekend. She has her son from tonight until next Friday and she can only ever do everything with and for him and she also goes to court to say they haven't come to an agreement regarding their divorce. She has a lot going on in her life and I don't want to add any complications so have decided to not contact her. The things I like and need to talk about with her just frustrates me when she can't talk with me for more than a minute. I now have a very functioning computer and so hope that I don't fuck it up again for a long time. I'll just have to breath deep, stay focused on the moment and not let myself hurt so much.
While getting ready to head out the Hospital called and cancelled for this afternoons shift. So here I am with nothing to do. The weather is OK so it would have been nice to get out. Just have to see what the rest of the day puts before me. Oh Well ............
Kris did send me a msg around 4pm asking how was doing. I basically sent her the following msg back:
"I do know that u give me what u can of your time
Kris. I'm just sick and tired of hurting people. Sick and tired of the
loneliness. Sick and tired of so many god damned things. I thought I
might go to a movie tonight but the thought of sitting in a darkened
theater buy myself on a Friday night and spending money I don't have
has as much appeal as sitting her alone smoking my fucking brains out.
Cant do things with glen anymore on the weekends as he's trying hard to
keep his marriage together. Anyway again I'm ranting about stuff you
aren't really interested in hearing about any way. So have fun with j
and enjoy your pizza night together and the rest of the weekend as well"
This is what I do to people I care so much about. I want so much more than is appropriate. I feel like I'm sinking and I can't get up and face things anymore. I am not only cruel demanding person but I'm also a sick fuck. No pun intended. I want to masturbate and give myself some kink of physical pleasure but I know I won't because it just isn't doing much of anything for me. Again I want so much more than I can achieve. The more I talk to myself here the more I'm unhappy with myself. I just don't know what to do with myself and all this fucking loneliness. I'm tired, I'm unhappy and I am so bloody sad about everyone and everything being happier and having a life that I want. SHIT on life.
I have been sinking deeper into this hatred of my life.I WANT TO DIE, TO END THIS MISERY. I'm scared and I know I need help but I'm so tired of it all......... So fucking tired.
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