Last night was a very terrifying and horrible time for me. I went to a very deep and dark place in my mind and soul. I reached out to someone who knew exactly where I was. She has has been there too. She is a co-person in my group therapy for people who are suffering from BPD. I called her in tears to cancel our getting together today. She sent me an email right away and then called me around midnight to ensure I was OK and had read her email to me. I said I would go to her place so we could talk more. This morning I woke up early and was calm enough to go back to sleep for a couple of hours which is a very positive thing for me right now. Kris had read my many msg's of last night and was very concerned. She had sent me a msg and I responded back. We spent a little time chatting. She has lots to do with her son today and this evening. I'm sitting here, watching a rerun of Will & Grace and having so much trouble trying to slow down my brain. It's so hard to stop it racing to deep dark places. But it's daylight so I know I'll be OK. But I'm terrified of the dark evening to come. I am such a weak self-centered soul when night time and it's darkness envelopes me but for this moment I am OK and looking forward to talking with Sue this afternoon.
Went to Sue's this afternoon and it was very nice. Both she and her husband are very sweet and nice people. I really enjoyed spending time with them. Her husband and I discussed what I'd like to see with my hair and because of all the shit I've been feeling I told him I want something radical and wild. He is a hair dresser/colourist and will do my hair and only charge me the cost of supplies. I am so lucky because it would cost me more than $60 if I had it done at a salon. So tuesday after group therapy I'll go with Susan back to their place and get it done. I should post a picture here for posterity sake. Maybe I will maybe I won't. .It will be so nice to make a friend that is not gay. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be ale to handle it better this way meaning I won't develop amorous feelings towards her. It will be nice to develop a friendship with a straight person especially since they are both very comfortable and ok about gay people. Actually he has a gay sister who's been in a very long term committed relationship for over 20yrs. What a joy to hear. Both Susan and I are starved for friendship and actually Sue has no friends. She too has had a very difficult life with sex abuse as a child to suicidal attempts to many other issues. She is almost 53 and is surviving although there has beem many close calls. We both want not to be so lonely and isolated as well as find outside things that don't cost much to do. She is very restricted with funds just like I am. God there is so much we share in common and there is absolutely no feelings of shame or embarasment. Just feelings of calmness and ease around her.
Tonight I have some hope. I am much calmer than last night and has some positive feelings brewing within me. I am so very grateful for calling out to Susan last night during my despair. I am grateful that I honoured my committment to carry through with the visit to her home. I am grateful that I am feeling hope and interest for the next several days. Tonight I am grateful to be alive and clear headed, something that I wasnèt last night at all.
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