Well, here I am again after a very long absence. Four things I need to record for myself in order to stay on top of all that's been happening with/to and against me (meaning I fucked up and hurt others). My shit is getting much better but I have slipped back into old ways and habbits of self destruction and angry outbursts and constant appologies to so many. So here I go and hope I catch the salient points required to make this understandable to me whenever I want to reread and reassure myself as to what has worked and what hasn't:
The Carmen fiasco
- I lost it with Carm and blew up at a social function that turned so many against me a few months ago so I quit a bunch of things so I wouldn't have to face it head on. This worked for all of about 3 or 4 days until my Bro was called by another lesbian expressing concern that I was ill and losing my grip on my reality. This of course upset me that much more and I lost it with my Brother. After a cooling off period I thought it through and thus began a series of public appologies to many individuals begging forgiveness and accepting my responsibilities for the whole fiasco. Unfortunately I basically lost what friends I did have because they all felt sorry for Carm from my abuse. To this day I still feel somewhat alienated from all of them. Carm has become a very integral part of them all so I suppose I'll never ever gain back what I had before all this happened. However, I can live with this and will live with it.
Pride Weekend Events
Last weekend was Pride Weekend. I got back on the Committee after I quit after the Carm fiasco by essentially begging to get back on. I had been a very active participant on the Committee this past year and really did want to be a part in it all. 4 days/evenings of events. Weather was cool but real sunny and nice. Wed. night was kickoff last meeting and BBQ at Katies ( co-chair) home which was kind of nice. Carm was there and I felt really isolated. She would not talk to/with me nor really did anyone else so came home feeling a bit down. Friday night Dance at a local Bar was a lot of fun and met many new people and got caught up with several that I had met before on numerous occasions.
Meetings with my Councillor Margo
Today I went to a session prepared to ask Margo for the much needed guidance in dealing with my most recent losses. It did not go as I thought it might. All blame was put on me and my deep rooted fears of abandonment. She told me lots and lots of things that I just wasn't prepared to hear. Everything I'm doing is the sole cause of everything that I do and say and I'm just not learning or accepting my totally ownership of every thing I've done and continue to do. I badly fell apart, got accused of not letting her get anything into the discussion and tuning her out. Yes I did do this but the more she said the worse I felt about myself. Throughout sobs and heavy fears I let her know just how tired I am. Just how sick and tired of having all the faults in my character, in my mind and soul. Just so tired to struggling to do the right things, say the right things. I'm tired of the effort to change and be a better person. I'm bone tired of living a life of dependency on my parents, my brother, my kids. I'm tired of trying to do every thing in the 'wise mind' way. I'm fast loosing my abilities to keep on going. I left her office with her being worried about my mental stability. I could not pull myself together in any way shape or form so I hoped on my Scooter and took off.
Tuesday next is group therapy but I can't go as I have to have some tests done at the hospital. I have another appointment booked with Margo in a few weeks but don't want to go back only to face another horrifying session like today's was. I will most likely change my mind several times before that but I know I have to leave this City within a couple of years and once again start my life over from scratch again.
I'm so lost, so lonely and am fighting waves of idealizing just getting it all over with. SUICIDE. If I wasn't such a chicken shit I know I would do it instead of just threatening it all the time. But I just can't seem to find peace within anything I attempt to try. Even My spiritual quest is suffering with all this turmoil.
Kris and the impact of what I've created with her Again
She had started phase II of her full on relationship with Debbie and did not tell me of this for several months essentially lying by omission about her relationship with her. I do not condone this lastest reconnection with Debbie as I fully believe Debbie has 'wormed' her back into Kris's life when Kris was very much dependant on Debbie's help. All of Kris's friends totally believe Debbie is looking for a free ride being with Kris and has proven this over and over in the past. Also, Kris's whole family believes this as well so it's just not me. I severely curbed my contact with Kris because of this and because my life is in such Kaos as well. I miss her, miss talking to her very painfully but I also know I have put Kris way up on this high pedestal and that is just so wrong of me. I also know that I still love and will always love Kris on every known level and will continue to love her, even knowing that she has absolutely NO interest in me that way and will never develop that kind of interest in me. I STILL LOVE HER in my very warped and weird and needing ways. So I have right now minimal contact with Kris. I also know I will have to face this painful reality and put her totally in my past someday. I don't want that, I'm fighting that, I hate that I have to choose this but I also know that if I have any hope of surviving myself I must do this. I just don't know when that time will come. Probably should come right now but I can't face it now. She will never cut me off because she refuses to drop any friend even though she knows she should pay more attention to this kind of flaw within her character as well.
So tonight, right now my head is screaming FUCK, FUCK, FUCK - I can asked myself a zillion times why, why, why, but I can no longer lie to myself because I know why. I just do not want to accept this. I want Kris to contact me and talk with me and love me and come visit me and hold me and hug me and tell me she loves me and seduces me like she one did a long long time ago. I KNOW THIS WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN and that is why I have to completely cut her out of my life and push her far far far away from my memories so that I can find any hope of having a life worth living. Right now I am holding myself hostage, inflicting such pain on myself and because of this I will keep thinking that life will be better for anyone associated with me and my problems if I just walked away from this life.
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