19/07/30 Life Just keeps rushing on in many ways

Were to begin? There have been so many ups and downs since I got last managed to record my thoughts. I know I will forget so much but at least in here, right now, recording again which if anything I know I remember to help me to deal with everything. So here goes nothing:

My brother has been so stressed out with his work and taking pretty much full time care of attending to their needs and of course me also. It finally became so apparent to us (parents, me) that we had to do something and do it fast. My brother is bone thin and keeps losing weight. He has always been thin but now he looks gaunt and scary. We planned an intervention with him otherwise he would just keep on going. I was afraid he would have a complete emotional, physical mental breakdown if we didn't do something NOW. This went well and because of this I made the decision to leave as soon as I could arrange it. I would do everything myself and only involve him where his signature was needed. Everyone was surprised with this decision but are happy that I have committed to them and myself to see this through to completion.

I got the first thing done to begin preparations for Moving home to Ottawa. My brother and I completed forms to apply to Subsidized Housing in Ottawa. All the necessary documents have been collected to send off with the application. Once they receive and approve, which they will, then my name is placed on the bottom of the list. There is, at this time, about a 5 year wait and maybe longer. But at least I will be on their 'list'. I have to figure out where to locate myself and apply to rent an Apartment that has disability access for my scooter, one the ground floor. I can go higher if there is a secure place to park my scooter indoors somewhere. My daughter, who will become my Power of Attorney this Fall, will help me in this search. This is the sole reason I have to move away from this City which I love and have really thrived in. It is what it is and I have finally and completely this accepted and embraced these decisions.

I hurt Kris and hurt her bad. I think so bad that she has decided not to talk to me, possibly ever again.
I wrote. I can't and won't dwell on this because here because I'm ashamed of myself. I sent her a very lengthy Facebook message basically tearing her down, shredding with my anger and pain. I totally fell into emotiWere to begin? There have been so many ups and downs since I got last managed to record my thoughts. I know I will forget so much but at least in here, right now, recording again which if anything I know I remember to help me to deal with everything. So here goes nothing:

My brother has been so stressed out with his work and taking pretty much full time care of attending to their needs and of course me also. It finally became so apparent to us (parents, me) that we had to do something and do it fast. My brother is bone thin and keeps losing weight. He has always been thin but now he looks gaunt and scary. We planned an intervention with him otherwise he would just keep on going. I was afraid he would have a complete emotional, physical mental breakdown if we didn't do something NOW. This went well and because of this I made the decision to leave as soon as I could arrange it. I would do everything myself and only involve him where his signature was needed. Everyone was surprised with this decision but are happy that I have committed to them and myself to see this through to completion.

I got the first thing done to begin preparations for Moving home to Ottawa. My brother and I completed forms to apply to Subsidized Housing in Ottawa. All the necessary documents have been collected to send off with the application. Once they receive and approve, which they will, then my name is placed on the bottom of the list. There is, at this time, about a 5 year wait and maybe longer. But at least I will be on their 'list'. I have to figure out where to locate myself and apply to rent an Apartment that has disability access for my scooter, one the ground floor. I can go higher if there is a
onal mind and told her how I thought of her, her life, her motherhood skills were wrong, her love life was wrong and God only knows so much more. Because of this she chosen to cut me out of her life right now and probably very possibly forever. I am so very sad that I did this to her. The venom spewed from my head in such a horrible I am better and I know better way. I said nothing good at all, all very bad stuff. I don't blame Kris for cutting me away from her life. I deserve this punishment for my actions. The only difference this time, and there have been many, many other times I've done this to her but always she would not give up on me. This time she has. Every day I think of what I have done and wish I had used what I've been taught to do but I just couldn't make myself listen to anything other than spewing. I knew I was so totally wrong and hurtful. I apologized but that doesn't and will never take her pain away. Part of me wants to really end this friendship because I know it is the best thing to do in order to move on with my life but the part of me is still fighting and hoping I won't be able to as so many other times when I've tried to pull away. She is so entrenched within me it's like ripping off a limb. I know I'll survive but what I don't know is just how I'll survive it. No tears, no suicidal thinking, no bombarding of msg's like I've always done in the past. This is very knew to me and I know it's because of all the Therapy I've gotten over the last eight months and I have 4 more months before I finish with the group. It is what it is and I have to live with or without whatever may come. I am just so terribly sad of what I've done but I'm not dwelling on it like I have in the past

As for my personal one on one therapy with Margo more major decisions have be agreed to. We decided to reduce my sessions to just one every 4 or 5 weeks now. The reason is twofold and necessary for me. The main one is to ease me into ending it altogether with Margo so as to help me adjust and suffer as little as possible with my abandonment issues. The other will be more focused on discussing my issues with the actual preparations for making as successful move to Ottawa in the spring. I'm ready for this and know I will see Margo in Group each week but also know I can not discuss things of a personal nature during those times. I know now I can and will do this because it is the right thing to do after all that I've learned from Group. I am so incredibly grateful to both Margo and the group because of what they have and will continue to teach me all the practices I need employ and keep employing so that my life will continue to grow in happiness and self-worth.


Now the good stuff.. The Universe has blessed me in a most unexpected way. A 7yr old cat came into my life last weekend. His name is Rocky and he's so beautiful and loving. His owner decided she had to give him up because her female cat was terrorizing him. She is an animal lover and advocate for animals. My friend Janis was asked if she wanted Rocky but she too has a female cat but she knew I would love to adopt him. He has everything I was looking for in a cat. He's an indoor cat, front paws declawed, all shots good to November, very gentle and loves to be around or on me. Everything I wanted and needed in a Cat. within 2 hrs he was very comfortable being here. It is so wonderful to have another living being in this Apartment. He will do wonders for my loneliness and will really help with my depression attacks. I am so grateful to my friend for recommending me. I did this whole arrangement and purchased all that I needed before I told anyone what I was doing. Very empowering for me. I just so love this big little guy (he's about 10 - 15 pounds and has the whitest chest white boots on all 4 feet. He is black/Grey and gorgeous. I'm so loving on him and he on me. We're good for each other without a doubt.

So I guess I caught myself up for now. No telling when I'll do this again but hope I one day to get back into writing every night to have a record my days and record all of my gratitude's as well.  It was a practise that I got into but I mainly only recorded my hour to hour feelings towards Kris. That was unhealthy and am glad that I have stopped. For me I need balance in my life and record that balance from this point on.

Namaste to any and all that might read my blog. I hope you might get a kernel of something from my experiences, good bad or indifferent. Have a wonderful day and evening doing whatever it is u may be doing.