July 3/14 Summer difficulties are Continuing

Oh so much to record. Spent 24hrs in lockdown in the phsyciatric word at the hospital last weekend. Sunk so low once again as to have really bad suicidal thinking and not wanting to exist. I'm so tired of all the bloody challenges of my life. Just so tired of it all. I'm better right now and I do know exactly why I crashed so quickly but when this happens to me I become so emotional and am unable to control my raging emotions. I've been struggling with these low thoughts a lot over the last few weeks but managed to climb out as I've been trained to do except for this past weekend. I could not stop the tears from flowing uncontrollably and profoundly sobs that I knew I had to take myself to the hospital. It was hell as I was put in total lockdown with other very seriously disturbed patients in rooms around me. Lots of horrible noises and screams from others in much more serious mental states than I. Although is was taken in under a 72hr hold I was discharged the next day as I was able to pull myself together and out of my mental hell successfully. Thank the Divine Universe for helping through this dismal path. I prayed out loud that night for help and I was helped. I am so grateful to the people and friends who where there for me and truly believe in living angel Spirits who surround us in times when we can't help ourselves. Thank you!

I am still having issues with my balance, with my vision and at times with pains but I'm getting by. The rounds of so many Doctors seems to be lessening but am anxiously waiting to see my Eye Doc next week. I'm hoping she will be able to determine why both my eyes are not working like they use to before the MS attacks 4 months ago and all the problems began. As I've been saying over and over that I've lost so much physically, emotionally and mentally and am trying so hard to accept my new realities. I'm saddened a lot by it all but am trying so hard to stay positive and look for all the little miracles that happen around me each and every day. Staying in the moments as they pass by me is hard at times to do but oh so worth it to me when I can stay focused on that.