The closer I am getting to the place and person I desperately want to be the harder it is to let go of parts of me I still need to excise out of my Soul. I'm so very close, I've worked so fucking hard, I've made such incredible progress but life just keeps trying to slam me back down. Be it my health issues or my friendships or just existing day to day at times. I am learning to accept this is what life is all about, good times and bad times I can survive and get through it all. I now have wonderful tools to help guide me through. I no longer have had any suicidal idealizations in many. so many months. I am happier than I have been in my entire life. I have incredible new friends and has so totally immersed myself in the incredible Art life in the beautiful City. I really have absolutely nothing that I should be at issue with. But alas I do and I know why I do. There are a few things that I still need to cut out of my life and I am so very terrified and scared to take the plunge and carry them through to make my past life go into the past where it needs to be so I can fully and gracefully move towards the future with aplomb, intrinsic happiness and security in knowing that YES I can and will do this. I want this, I need this, I deserve this. I WILL DO THIS. I know I have to write a very specific plan of action, commit to it and not allow myself to make excuses, bargains, pleadings or anything of the like in order to succeed at this, It has to be done, it must be done and I know I've prepared and learned all I need to learn to succeed at this. I won't come back to this blog for many months to come, I have made some very monumental decisions regarding my coming future. I am moving back to my home town, First, I have I will travel home the 2nd week of Dec/14 to find and acquire an apartment. Confirm a move date and see a couple of Doctors during the week I am there. An of course see my children and stay with my Eldest Child in her very new first home. I will return up here after a week and hire movers and plan my return date for good, I have all my old Specialist taking me back on their service which has taken the last few months to co-ordinate and get final confirmation. I have a cat who is a wonderful companion for me and will be moving with my to Ottawa. I've resigned from all my commitments here as of Dec 31/14 and will have completed my year long 2hr/wk Goup Therapy, successfully I might add for Borderline Personality Disorder,. An incredible course, learning curve and something that I'll need to practice for the rest of my life in order to be able to live a centred life instead of a very out o of control emotional life, I am beyond happiness for what the professionals have done with and for me over the 3 years I've lived in this town. I am full of gratitude for all I been given and so totally believe and accept the Universe had plans for me to move here, find the people who could help me, accept the help and learn from it so that I could move back home and lead a life happiness and success, Two things I've never been able to do for 53 of my 55 years of life. Thank you lord tor these gifts I am beyond grateful and you know this. I know you know this,
So I've written this for myself. If there is anyone out there who might read this I can only hope that you may gain something, anything from my my expression of my experiences, That is all anyone can do for another is to share. Good night, God bless, be kind to yourself and to others on your journeys. Namaste one and all
No comments:
Post a Comment