Christmas time Again

Wow Christmas has come and gone for yet another year. For one, I am happy it's over with only New Years eve to get through alone. Not looking forward to new year's eve but I'll spend it alone in my apartment with Rocky. I'll be fine but it would be nice to spend it with a friend. Really any friend would be fine. I'm just really sick and tired of going through these types of nights by myself, not sharing the happy alcohol free night with someone. I periodically allow myself to think about what it would be like sharing an evening with someone To be like most other people my age To share a love and my heart and soul with someone wanting to share the same with me. To even be asked by another to spend my time with them. To be asked instead of being the one asking would be incredible and foreign because that just has never happened before and I so long for that. No one knows just how much I wish for that to happen in my life. I'd love to express romantically and to be able to share a bed and real intimacy with someone I care deeply about. The sad part of these desires within me have never been experienced outside of my own mind and it's this that saddens me the most!. It's been so many decades really that I've felt a real healthy connection to and with another.. Maybe I really should say never actually. The only time I was able to be intimate with my husband of 14yrs was if I was drunk or stoned. Never stone cold sober I've only been intimate with one woman since I came out and that is truly what I want. Another woman to touch and be touched, I believe that I would be OK now because of all the work I've done to understand myself but who the fuck knows if I would or could be. I know that in my head I would be ok and gentle and accepting of gentleness and true love and intimacy. I surely hope I could be because a life time of wishing and wanting and needing that physical and emotional intimacy is what we all desire and hope for. I will never ever give up hope that this blessing of love and commitment will present itself to me but I know without any doubt that by trying to keep looking this will never ever happen  I know I just need to be open to the possibility and pray that it will eventually come to pass when the Universe is ready to let me find it. When I allow myself to think of this, which, thankfully, is not very often these days, I do get sad and teary eyed. But it is my life and I have pretty much accepted it. I'm getting to an age where opportunities to even meet a woman are very rare. I have fantasies of what I want and just maybe someday these fantasies may come into a reality. Only the Universe knows what is in store for my journey and I have placed everything  into believing that the Universe will provide for me whenever the time is right if ever.

Now as for Christmas I was quite pleasantly surprised with how the day actually turned out for me. Shyped with my kids first around 9am. My Nephews Mike, Dave and Dave's wife came over in the afternoon. Had a real nice visit and they gave me the most unbelievable gift - to go buy myself these really cool leather ankle boots I've wanted for a very long time. They will cost $200 and it completely floored me at how much they were spending on me. I freaked out over such a beautiful and heartfelt give from the 3 of them. Then it was off to my Parents for our very last Christmas dinner together at their retirement home. It was nice and my Mom was so happy having me there with them. It was very different this year because of my commitment to myself of not having anything ever again to do with my sister-in-law. So for Glen, he had no parents or sister to celebrate with. For Mom and Dad it was the first time not spending Christmas dinner with Glen's Family and of course Me not spending time with my brother at all over Christmas. But we all survived OK and we all had nice Christmas's. It wasn't so bad after all

I got access to Netflix because of Tobie and have been glued to it for4 days now and am loving it. I got my boots today (Monday) and they are way cool. I'll be going to Sue and Ed's Wednesday. Then up to the hospital Friday to get my blood test done for my upcoming Diabetic Yearly Exam next week.

Rocky seems to have stopped peeing everywhere thank the Lord. It was really getting quite scary for me not to mention the smells and all the cleaning of floors and closets. Finally I got smart enough to remember the cleaning powers of Vinegar. At least that smell was more tolerable to me and only lasted a day or two.

As for my friend Kris she's in Florida visiting a friend and she sounds like she's having a good time. She said one night was ended with tears after some pretty late night drinking. Fucking alcohol has that affect. I replied to hear that I was so sorry but was expecting something like this at some point. So many years of pushed deep inside emotions surrounding this other person, love for this other person where sure to come out. She said the next day was OK and she thinks this friendship will get through and become better and stronger as time passes. I know that is what she is hoping for and I wish her all my best thoughts and prayers that this friendship will flourish and become deeper and more meaningful for them both. I look forward to hearing all about her trip in the new year should she wish to share it with me.

I am ending this day in deep gratitude for my friend Kris and her sharing some of her experiences in Florida. My brother Glen for his helping me get out this morning. Tue Ed and Sue for contacting me as soon as they got their computer back up and running. I so love those two souls I very happy and grateful that Rocky seems to be back to his normal loving self and to me for attacking the smelly mess head on by vinegaring everything in here! The true test was my brother not smelling Urinewise when he came to pick me up this morning and for the 'Glen seal of Approval' that means so much to me.