Well slowly I head into 2015. It was quiet for Rocky and me but it was a nice quiet. I watched a Netflix series all evening and finally headed to bed around 2am or so. I'm right into this book by Bette Middler about her world tour back in the late 70's or early 80's and OMG am I tripping out.because I saw that tour in Montreal with a very good friend and it was never left my memories of one of the greatest concerts of my life. I finished her book and as always I will continue being a dedicated fan of hers.
Well new years has long since past and I am going through a really rough time fighting sinking into depression and severe loneliness. Having to hibernate within my apartment because of bad weather and not seeing people even though I keep trying to reach out has definitely really affected me. It's now Tuesday Jan.6th. We have several feet of snow on the ground and deep freezing weather. I've been trying to reach my kids but they are all extremely busy with their own lives. The only friend that has really communicated with me is Kris and our discussions have been extremely good and illuminating. But of course Kris is very far away and not someone I can actually be with in person. Some discussions, although very deep and real, have sent me to places buried deep within me only to be once again brought to my conscious mind. It has been difficult and disturbing going down this path again of wondering and wanting to change my body to be the physical being I've always wanted to be but never had the guts to persue If you've followed some of these blogs over the years I've been writing them what I'm talking about is that I want my female body to be eliminated and to be a man. I'm too old and too sick to pursue this now of course but I still wonder and wish. These feelings and thoughts always take me to places of discomfort and shame but they are what they are and periodically come up from deep within. This came up because of a discussion about a niece of Kris's is in her twenties and is going through her own journey of wanting to become completely adrogonous. Contemplating surgery. She is 25 and has only talked about it with a few very close friends. Kris is the only family member she has talked to. I am very glad that Kris is totally there for her niece and will always be there for her. There was no one for me to talk about this ever when I was younger. I only talked to Kris about it because I felt safe with her to do so.
Tomorrow I will see Margo my therapist. I'm struggling with what to talk about as there is so much I need to talk out and only an hour (45 or 50 minutes really). I have to choose wisely but that is often difficult to do. She asks questions and prods me which is good but often gets me off on tangents and time quickly disappears leaving me anxious and somewhat upset. I just don't know what to do because of my spiraling out of control with all that is caught in my mind. Well tomorrow is another day and what will come will come no matter what. The Universe will be my guide and direct me where and what I'll do. I have no control over what is and will be really. I'm sure I'll have something to write about in my journal here once all is said and done. I know I just have to have faith and put my faith out there.
May I and anyone reading this also have faith for what's ahead will be what we need to experience and travel through. NAMASTE to one and all and be grateful for what we do have. Our life and the very important people that surround us.
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