Sunday Dec.21

Spent the afternoon and dinner at my friends home this evening. I've been so wonderfully & joyously given the gift of their unconditional love and a peace within myself like I've never truly experienced before. My God knows this only too well and found a way for our paths to cross and our friendship to grow and flourish. All 3 of us have had a lot of difficulties during our half century of existence on this earth and we 3 have a bond of love and respect that will continue to grow and only strengthen over the rest of our lives. It has been so totally amazing to have been given this gift so late in life for which I will forever be grateful for.

Today Glen came over with some Card Envelopes for me to put the last of my Xmas cards in and the gift cards for my nephews. He picked them up for me today. So I've got everything organized. Just have to write in the Cards and seal them up. I'm content with what I've gotten everyone and just now wait until all is over with so life can get back to normal for me and everyone else who has a difficult time during this season

There are some things I really want to ask Kris about but know I would be putting her on the spot and I know that I can't do that. I'm curious if she and Debbie have Kissed and made up yet again. I honestly have lost track of how many times this has happened. The format seems to be what their relationship has always been about and it's both of them caught up in this anger filled hate vs boundless attraction and sex. To me as a long time observer it's a game they both obviously enjoy participating in. I'm writing about it here because this is my only real way to put a voice to something that I can not talk and ask questions about. I guess this blog is what helps to keep me centred and on Track and not fly off into an old behaviour of letting my emotional side take too much control of me. But shit this is hard especially since I know this dance she's doing with Debbie is preventing her from putting herself out there to test the waters so to speak and really give herself a chance at meeting someone else and really discover that there is something or someone beyond her first and only woman relationship. Once it was hard because I convinced myself that I loved Kris but now it's just I keep seeing her pigeon hole herself into a relationship that has been filled with strife and anger and sorrow more than joy and happiness of sharing such a relationship with anyone and everyone. Her family, her son, her closer friends. I guess I've pretty much excised this topic but I honestly have no other gay friends who have put themselves in this kind of situation and I wish I did so I can be done with it all. Oh well, each to their own 'drummer boy' I guess.

I ranted here too soon. While I was composing this Kris sent me a msg so I replied to her questions. She was still online when I got back to her so we had a good talk about many things. I asked he about Debbie and where she's at with that. She was very forthright in answering me. We talked about a lot of things both good and difficult. But It was a very good exchange between us. She told me she's heading to florida after Chistmas to spend a week with a dear friend many years ago. There was both a physical and emotional attraction between them but they did not understand what this was or meant and only showed itself when Alcohol was involved. This fact I know of only too well  I too would show and become very attracted to women if and only if I was inebriated. They went their separate ways and lost touch with one another for many years. This connection became crystal clear to Kris when she began her journey on discovering herself, realizing and accepting that she was in fact gay. A very long and painful journey for her.

This prompted me to ask Kris if she still considered meeting me in person some day. She did say that we will somehow somewhere meet face to face. That would be something I would like to have happen someday to complete the circle of friendship and I too would love to someday hug her and be hugged back. Wouldn't  that be a wonderful thing to have happen.
Yet again there's more on my what appears to be my favourite topic. of course Kris, who else. Today she was asking for my advice about some things regarding Debbie and Her. Debbie as usual is up to her old behaviours as what often happens and Krisis struggling with what to do. She understands he toxic nature of their on again off again relationship and I was very honest with her questions but also a gentle as I could be. I advised her to cut off all communication in and out with Debbie for a good solid month then reassess her feelings and wants towards Debbie. As often happens Debbie is trying to guilt Kris into getting what she wants from Kris. But I also was firm that Kris too keeps flipping back into wanting the friendship to be there and keeps trying to get Debbie to understand this. Both toxic. I explained being friends is one thing but trying to be friends and lovers with so many issues between them is a cocktail made to explode as it always does.

The discussion today made me realize that I must be honest and discuss with Kris some issues that are troublesome to me. She always engages in Daily talks with me when Debbie is somewhat out of her life but immediately kind of cuts me off and starts blaming me for my being to demanding of her time. She needs to understand that I have stopped that behaviour but it does still come out once and awhile. I just want both of us to be clear on both our needs and wants when certain events happen that have historically been difficult on both of us. I did send her a msg saying that there were a couple of things we should discussopenly and honestly and that I'd remember to bring it up when we have some time to chat openly without Jack being around and up. This can happen whenever but I should be a discussion between us sometime soon.

Just talked with my Daughter Tobie to sing her a very bad terribly off key rendition of \happy Birthday which has been a very long standing tradition with each of my Kids. They had a real nice dinner at Kelseys and she opened her gifts from everyone. Mine included which I left for her when in Ottawa. They are into drinking shots with their Dad and sound like they are having quite the blast. Quin is the DD tonight so they will safely make it home tonight. Which makes me feel a lot better instead of sitting here worrying about them all.

I am grateful for many things tonight as every night before heading off to bed. Most highest on my list tonight is my gratitude for being in the place that I am wrt Kristin and the Honesty I feel I have to keep things under wraps anymore. I am more secure with myself & truly love that I never have to revert back to the terrified, scared & angry woman that I once was. Way to go Deana - you've come a long way babe, a wonderful long way!!!